I have known Barb since I was about 15 years old. She was my brother's friend. I liked her immediately, and was surprised that someone so cool would be friends with an asshole like my brother. We were always friendly, but I figured that she was nice to me because she's a nice person, and that was about it.
Fast forward fifteen years, and she and my brother are dating. I thought from the start that no good would come of the relationship. I warned her to end it before she got hurt. I would have loved to be related to her by marriage, but predictably, my brother screwed her over. She was devastated, and I always admired her so deeply that I indulged her desire to rant and vent. Anything to be friends with her - even if it meant enabling an unhealthy fixation on my brother.
A friendship - of sorts - was born.
For many years, I obsessed about my own fixation; my identity was that of a hurt and angry person, and all I talked about was how badly my family mistreated me. I was traumatized by family's choices where I was concerned, and I didn't even know it. It is so easy to reflect and ask, "How did I not see?" But, I didn't. I had no idea that that single obsession was driving everyone from me.
I have learned, and I continue to heal and evolve.
What do I do now? Everyone got sick of listening to the broken record that was me. Most of those people, I'll never get back. They closed the door, and put about 20 padlocks on it. I get it. I would have done the same. Who wants to be around a crazy, angry, vengeful nutcase? It is exhausting to be around people like that.
When Barb and I were at Starbucks Monday, it seemed like she could tell that things were different with me. She even suggested that we get together after the holidays. I want to believe that it is more than another pity get together. I'm going to go regardless.
2 comments:
Wow. What an interesting person to have in your life. Does she even know how much she means to you?
A few years ago, I told her how grateful I was for everything she'd done for me, and how I treasured her friendship. She was uncomfortable. I might also feel uncomfortable if someone confessed a stronger sense of friendship toward me than I felt for them. I don't know...I'm just glad that she is my friend at all.
Most of the people I care about don't live in Orlando anymore. I can't expain it, but I'm not really interested in developing new bonds. I wish I were, because it would make things easier on me.
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